I promise I’ll write more of these.

What do you do when you have strong feelings?

As I write tonight, I’ve got the strongest feelings pulsing through me and I just don’t know what to do with them. I figured I’d come on here and see if I can write them away. You see, I haven’t felt like writing in quite a while. A couple of weeks ago I also had these strong feelings too and I felt that I needed to write. I did not. I thought, no one cares about these feelings really. No one wants to hear them. Tonight, I choose to write.

I don’t know yet what I’m going to share today but bear with me. I’m a tad burdened.

I haven’t been back here in years. It’s the strangest thing because this blog carried me through a rough time in my life. You would think I would come back here to nurture this beautiful thing that saved my life. It’s not that I haven’t tried, I just couldn’t. I want to write again. I want to write so badly but there’s something standing between me and my words.

I shared with a friend recently that I feel like I lost confidence in my words. Me, the girl who self published a collection of poems I wrote in lieu of killing myself. Suddenly, I’m uncertain about my words. Suddenly, I don’t trust my words. So, tonight I’ll just ramble on and hope you all understand that for the first time in a long time, the tap tap of my fingers on the keyboard is soothing. I want to keep this feeling. Tap, tap.

The most wondrous thing happened to me over the past year, I began to enjoy a different kind of music to that which I tend to gravitate to. I’ve found that I listen to a lot of gospel music of late. Top of that list at present is Greatest Lord by Sinach. There’s something about this song that gives me peace. It makes me think all is well, it will all work out because God is faithful. I’ve got it playing now. It’s loud, filling up my ears. The tap tap of the keyboard has been drowned out by the music but my fingers are flying across the keyboard.

I think, homecoming. I’m here. The feelings I was feeling earlier are still here, they won’t disappear because I need to address that which made them surface so ferociously earlier. They’re not suffocating me anymore. Why? Why did I ever stop writing? Why did I convince myself my words had lost their strength? Homecoming. It feels good to have come on here and poured words onto this blank page. Dare I say I want to do more of this?

My words, music and the sheer joy at having written something tonight. Wondrous.

This wasn’t all that exciting was it? But thank you for reading friend. I am ever so grateful for having been lent your ear to listen to my senseless rambling tonight.

Yours,

Nkosi.